Eins muss man den Amis lassen
C.Webb4 : Eins muss man den Amis lassen
Jay Leno: "According to the latest poll, just out today, 71% of the American people approve of President Bush. Well, Bush is very, very happy. Well, of course he's happy. It only took 49% of the vote to win the election."
Jay Leno: "Well, now that the war in Iraq is over, a lot of people want President Bush to focus on the economy. You know who really wants Bush to focus on the economy? Syria. Yeah, Syria."
Jay Leno: "A lot of people are afraid they're going to go to war with Syria. Syria is not Iraq, okay? It is less dangerous. It's less of an enemy. It has less of an army. And it has less oil."
Jay Leno: "American officials have accused Syria of possessing chemical weapons. And today, Hans Blix, the UN inspector, he offered to spend the next three months not finding any of their chemical weapons, too."
Jay Leno: "The Iraqis sat down for talks on how to put together a postwar government. They would have sat down yesterday, but somebody stole all the couches."
Jay Leno: "Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favors, they're giving jobs to their relatives, they're taking money under the table from contractors. Do you know what that means? This war is less than a week old, already they have an American-style democracy."
Jay Leno: "And I guess you know all of Iraq's oil fields are now under US control, which is kind of ironic since all the gas stations here are run by Middle Easterners."
Jay Leno: "French President Jacques Chirac called President Bush yesterday for the first time in two months in an attempt to try to warm relations. He wants to find a French role in the construction of Iraq. He wants something the French can do. See, now you know why France used to be called 'Gaul.'"
Jay Leno: "And today the homeland security code was lowered. It was lowered, except here in Los Angeles, where it was raised to code red. Nothing to do with Middle East. Just Rodney King out driving again."
Jay Leno: "Oh, here you go, Monica Lewinsky hosting a reality show for Fox beginning next week. You know about this show? Show's called 'Mr. Personality,' where a woman will try to choose between 20 men who all have masks on. And Monica Lewinsky will offer her dating advice. Well, who better to offer advice on choosing a guy without seeing his face than Monica Lewinsky?"
David Letterman: "On my lunch hour, I'm walking through Central Park, and I saw a beautiful spring sight here in New York City. It was a robin, like one of the first robins of spring, building a nest out of duct tape."
David Letterman: "We're learning more and more about Saddam Hussein and his family than we did before the war. And US troop have busted into many of the family palaces. Listen to what they found. They break into one of the family palaces, here's what they find. Tequila. Hell, I got tequila. Tequila. Viagra. And Prozac. Or as I call it, a pre-show cocktail."
David Letterman: "You can tell that the war is nearly over. Tonight on ABC they have a two-hour special, Dick Clark's Rocking Downfall of Baghdad."
David Letterman: "Even though Iraq has been liberated now, we have to teach them about democracy and the voting, the election process. Because there's still some confusion about democracy and the election process -- oh, no, wait a minute, that's Florida."
David Letterman: "It's interesting, I was looking at my calendar and this year we have a late Passover. We also have a late Easter. And a late Saddam Hussein."